Shy or Social Anxiety?

     I must admit that I needed to do a little research on the topic at hand.  I had my own thoughts on what separated a shy person from a socially anxious person.  To me “shyness” was felt in the gut, to quote a cliche “butterflies in the stomach”.  A shy person may feel uncomfortable or nervous in social situations but they can face the situation and often times start to feel comfortable over time.  For me “social anxiety” has always been felt in my head in addition to the “butterflies” a shy person feels.  I always thought of it as “brain freeze”, not like what you get when you eat ice cream too fast.  In this case the brain freezes because there is so much the brain is trying to process that one can’t think straight. 

“Bill your heart rate has increased, your breathing is becoming faster and shallower, and you’re starting to shake.  Pull it together you don’t want to look scared because someone might approach you and ask you what is wrong.  How would you answer that, tell them you are scared?  That would make you look stupid.  Don’t look too confident and self-assured either because people will see that as an invitation to talk to you.  Don’t look too nonchalant either because people will think that you are stuck up or rude.  By the way do you know what the weather is like?  What if someone tries to make small talk with
you and says “nice weather we’re having”.  If the weather is crappy then they are being sarcastic and you would need to answer with a little chuckle.  But if the weather is nice then you should agree with them.  You would look stupid if you answered incorrectly.  Do you have anything to say back to them?  I really can’t think of anything right now, I’m more concerned about how I look and act.  Someone is crossing the room, quick look away as if you didn’t see them.  Find something to make you look busy or preoccupied.  Maybe she will pass on by.  If she doesn’t pass by and instead stops to talk with me, oh crap I don’t remember her name.  I know I’ve met her before but I can’t come up with a name.  I’m going to look like a fool if she does stop to talk with me.”

     That is basically what goes through your brain in the first few seconds of a 2 hour party that you’re friend invited you to.  As the time slowly passes by, your thoughts are racing so fast that you can’t always consciously discern each and every thought.  A socially anxious person becomes so overwhelmed with anxiety that they are “paralyzed” with fear.  You aren’t able to start a conversation with someone, join a conversation or sometimes even respond to someone talking to you.  

     Luckily for me I could always respond when someone directly talked with me.  I had several ready to use responses based on what someone said or asked, “hi”, “fine”, “oh”, “yep”, “uh huh”, “wow”, “hmmm”, “nope”, “really?” to name some of the more popular ones.  Through the years, as my anxiety lessened, I modified some of my responses to more bold and daring phrases like “oh wow”, “hmmm really?” and expanding my vocabulary to include “alright” as a substitute for “fine”.   Many people with Social Anxiety and Selective Mutism can’t respond at all.  People think that they are, even sometimes will call them, rude or stuck up.

     Between the many years of desensitizing myself and using medication to control the anxiety, I would classify myself as being more shy than socially anxious at this point in my life.  Occasionally I will get into a situation where the anxiety is higher than usual but those situations don’t happen very often.  Anticipatory anxiety is more likely to happen.  Even after all of these years I experience the effects of anxiety in anticipation of a situation, like making a phone call that can’t wait.  I absolutely hate making phone calls.  Even today it often can take several minutes for me to get the anticipatory anxiety under control.

Peace,

Bill